Ugly Photos of Ugly People

Chad Kroeger, Lead Singer, Nickleback
This is probably the funniest picture I have ever seen. Look at this clown. He looks like either a reject from "American Idol" or the illegitimate love child of Michael Bolton and Jesus Christ.

Here he is belting his heart out. I wonder what he's saying right now. It's probably something like "The arena didn't give me enough aroma therapy candles and is out of diet pepsi! Nooooo!"

And what the hell is he wearing? A leftover costume from "Dances With Wolves?" Kevin Federline has more talent than this guy.


It's bad enough he thinks he's Jesus, and it's bad enough he's the lead singer in the worst band in the history the human race, but what's even worse that he apparently feels the need to "flash the horns" during his concerts. Come on now Chad, is that really necessary?

I can only imagine what he was saying here. "Hello Tennessee! What the fuck is up! I wanna see a circle pit right now! I want you guys to really fuck shit up! This song's called Photograph!"

This guy flashing the horns is like the head of the NAACP waving a confederate flag. It just makes no sense.

This band writes safe, cheesy, formulaic pop songs for people to listen to in elevators and on the way to Nascar races. Seriously, I think my Bar Mitzvah was more metal than this guy.



Tyson Ritter, Lead Singer, All-American Rejects
Now, I was torn about putting this up, becuase I don't like to make it a habit of making fun of retarded people. I mean judging from these pictures, it's obvious this guy suffers from a serious case of down syndrome.

All I really have to say is that in this picture he looks like a 3rd grader who just heard the bell for recess.

For some reason, everytime I see this guy I imagine he's about to yell
"Hey bro! Did you hear? They're serving tacos for lunch!"


David Draiman, Lead Singer, Disturbed
The Commish, Keyboardist, Mae

Now, in looking for pictures of ugly people I have also managed to uncover one of the biggest secrets in the music world. When this story breaks, the nu-metal and emo worlds will never be the same. You see, David Draiman, singer of Disturbed, was an obvious choice for this list. And of course, so was the keyboard player from Mae, who has already been targeted in this blog before.

And that's when it hit me: they are either identical twins or they are actually the same person. Think about it. I always thought that the lame chin piercing was just a failed attempt at starting a nu-metal fashion trend, but in reality, it was a clever disguise. I mean, people who listen to Mae and people who listen to Disturbed usually don't cross paths
so he doesn't need much. This way, he gets both nu-metal and emo groupies. One week he's seducing tiny girls with thick glasses and "I heart Hawthorne Heights" T-shirts, the next week he's porking security guards after a Co-Headlining run with Drowning Pool.

However, I think such a double life would be hard to keep up so I think it's more likely they are identical twins. What happened was, their parents got divorced. Chin-pierced boy moved in with his father, a trucker and card-carrying NRA member; The Commish moved in with his mother, a therapist and devout vegan.

Commish grew up talking about his feelings, "having a good cry" at least twice a day, and listening to the Indigo Girls. Disturbed grew up listening to Ozzy's "Bark at the Moon" even though still to this day he's never heard Black Sabbath. Since Draiman lived in Chicago and Commish was down in Florida, they grew apart...eventually both becoming prominent in the music scene. Draiman, making monkey noises and acting as the voice of pissed off seventh graders everywhere, and The Commish playing keyboards on the emo masterpiece that is "The Everglow."

ATL - The Greatest Movie of All Time

Hanging out at the Waffle house

With big budget, star-driven movies like "V for Vendetta" and "Inside Man" playing in theaters along with blockbuster franchises like "Ice Age" and "Scary Movie" it's easy for a small, character driven drama to go unnoticed by moviegoers. Such is the case with "ATL" a powerful film starring Tip "T.I." Harris and that one kid from "Drumline" and "Smart Guy."

This movie has already dropped out of the top ten, and that is a shame, because it should be required viewing for all Americans. The movie can be best described as a cross between "Roll Bounce" and "Monkeybone" with a dash of the old Nickelodeon series "My Brother and Me" thrown in. Let me explain.

Alfie and Dee Dee...They paved the way for T.I. and his lil' bro

T.I. lives in the hood of ATL with his younger brother Ant. He watches out for his younger brother (much like Alfie from "My Brother and Me") even saving up his money from being a janitor by putting it in gangster rolls and hiding it the back of a stereo.

Him and his posse spend their weekends at Cascade, a local skating rink where they drink soda and roll around in choreographed routines (kind of like "Roll Bounce" but sadly without Nick Cannon). It is also where the one and only Jazze Phizzle spins records.

T.I....Platnium Rapper, Platnium Roller Skater

However, though T.I. may look tough, with his hardcore vacuuming of office buildings and his mad skills on the roller rink, he is really soft at heart. T.I. says, in a heartbreaking monologue, that "my dad used to show me the comics every weekend. When I grew up I wanted to be the one drawing the comics." Hence we have our "Monkeybone" connection.

Cartoonin' it up

Now, it's hard for me to describe the plot, since there are about 12 plotlines running though the movie and none of them start until about halfway through the movie. But I'll do my best.

Plot 1:
T.I. and his posse, Teddy, Esquire, and Brooklyn, are a 4 man roller skating machine. Their moves are the illest but the competition is fierce. They only have a few weeks to prepare for Skate Wars, where they will battle it out with other posses "You Got Served" style on the roller rink.

Plot 2:
Ant becomes a drug dealer working for Big Boi and gets arrested. T.I. attempts to keep him out of trouble but Ant wants to make money, even though T.I. advises him that "you don't have to be a dope boy to make money."

Plot 3:
T.I. falls in love with a girl named New New, who is hiding a secret from him. No, she's not a man, not pregnant, doesn't have AIDs, or anything like that. It's much worse. She's rich and lives in a mansion and is actually just pretending to be ghetto. Even worse...she has a white name and a white mom! New New is really just a rich bitch named Erin!

Plot 4:
Esquire needs to get a letter of recommendation to get into college, because the evil white dean doesn't think his 4.0 GPA and test scores are enough. So, he meets a rich black CEO at the country club he works at, who turns out to be New New's dad.

Plot 5:
T.I. and Ant live with their angry uncle, who shows them no love because he is an angry janitor, and because his career didn't exactly take off after his breakthrough role as Bubba in "Forrest Gump." He has to learn to let go of his anger and start acting like a father.

Plot 6:

The Twins, two random girls, like to have nice stuff so they have to steal designer purses and try to hide them from their mom, who ends up catching them.

She's not ghetto...She's secretly rich!

For the sake of space, I'll stop there and go into my review of the movie. What makes it special is that its really more of an overlong music video. Every five minutes, like clockwork, a banging rap tune comes on and out of nowhere comes a slow motion montage of hot black girls in booty shorts rollerskating. This helps keep the movie from ever getting boring.

However, its not all just about showing sexy women and cool roller skating. The movie also has an underlying politcal edge. After T.I. gets in a fight with his uncle, the camera cuts to a painting of Jesus at the last supper. Also, check out this photo of Esquire and the CEO dude at the all white country club. In this scene there is a close up shot of a painting of Stonewall Jackson or something. You can see the kind of bold political statement this makes.

Um...

The ending of this movie is awesome. They skip skate wars and Ant is in debt 2 G's to Big Boi. he doesn't know what to do so he goes to the store and buys some chocolate milk. Then Big Boi pulls up and draws a gun, and a scared Ant spills chocolate milk all over his oversized white T. Then, Big Boi corners him and is about to kill him when T.I. shows up with the money. But instead of just giving it to him, he throws it in his face as a sign of disrespect and then Ant gets shot.

However, I don't want to give away the endings to all the other plotlines because you should all go out and see this movie for yourself. This movie is full of great performances, a great soundtrack, and great roller skating. It is a coming of age tale, a romantic drama, a gangster film, and a friendship drama all wrapped up in one. Plus, Bone Crusher plays a body guard.

The best part of this movie, is that it taught me a new word that I have now incorporated into my everyday vocabulary: Cutty. You can infer what it means by the scene in the movie where T.I. and Ant talk about how they "both got cutty last night" and their uncle says "I'm supposed to be the only one gettin' cutty around here."

Guess who got some cutty last night?

The other reason you should see this movie is because of the talent behind the camera. The story is credited to Antwone Fisher, who apparently can write movies that aren't about himself. It was also produced by T-Boz from TLC and Will "Big Willie Style" Smith. It was directed by Chris Robinson. No not the hippie from the Black Crowes, but a guy who has directed a lot of Nas videos and not a lot of movies.

Needless to say, this is the 3rd film that I am inducting into my movie hall of fame.