Great Moments In Mighty Ducks History Part I

"The Mighty Ducks," along with its two stellar sequels, "D2" and "D3" are among the greatest films ever produced. They influenced our generation in countless ways, and it pains me to know that this younger generation is growing up on movies like "The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D" and "Finding Nemo." Everyone knows no movies taught more valuable life lessons than the "Mighty Ducks" trilogy.

Let's start with "D1." There is a beginning scene where a prick lawyer, Emilio Estevez is driving while slamming some road sodas and is pulled over. As his punishment, he is forced to coach a hockey team of a rag tag group of young kids. Of course, he ends up coaching them to victory and banging his star player's mom in the process.

Lesson #1: Drunk driving is sweet. It gets you a free coaching gig and piece of Charlie Conway's mom.

Another great part of the film is the way it deals with race. This movie I believe helped the youth of our generation overcome racial stereotypes and live in harmony with one another. Case in point: Jesse and Terry. The team's two black players. Of course, the Disney folks aimed to shatter all stereotypes by making Jesse and Terry from a poor family where their janitor father has to work two jobs just so they can play.

My favorite quote comes from early in the movie, at a face-off between the ducks and their opposing team. Jesse and Terry are at left and right wing. The opposing center of the Hawks asks the blaring question "What is this, the oreo line?"

Now, as a child, I couldn't get over the utter hilarity of referring to a hockey line as a cookie. However, upon further review, I realize this may have been a racial slur. The IMDB has a list of quotes from the film, and here is another good one.

Jesse:
"Yo dude! You obviously in the wrong hood. This is my dominion, and it's a drug free zone. You understand? Now I'm feelin' generous today. So I'm gonna let you get your sorry vanilla booty out of here before we be usin' your eyeballs as hockey pucks!"

So what can we take away from this? Lesson #2: Black people are poor, live in the hood, and it is ok to make fun of them during youth hockey games.

If you've seen any of the three films, then you are quite aware of the star goalie, Goldberg. He is the ducks, fat, out of shape, Jewish goal tender who never seems to make any saves. He can never keep up with is teammates whenever they embark on their rollerblading shenanigans. If I remember correctly his family also owns a deli.

Here is a great exchange of quotes between Estevez and Goldberg, after Estevez has taped Goldberg to the goal so that he is forced to get hit by pucks.

Goldberg:
"My mother is not gonna approve of this, Coach! She wants me to live to be Bar Mitzvah'd!"
Estevez:
"This is your Bar Mitzvah, Goldberg. Today, you become a man. "
Goldberg:
"No. I think you've got the ceremonies mixed up. This is more like a CIRCUMCISION."

And so we come to Lesson #3: Jews have no athletic ability and all own deli's, and it is ok to tie children up and barrage them with hockey pucks.

My personal favorite moment comes from "D3." I can't remember the quote word for word, and it's not at IMDB, but it goes something like this:

Charlie:
"Do you like Pantera?"
Girl: "Yeah, they are one of my favorites!"

Now, like I said, this isn't the direct quote, but the message is still clear. Lesson #4: chicks love metal. Yes, young, hot females love the sounds of heroin fueled rednecks screaming and Jack Daniels induced guitar shredding. It is this life lesson that has helped me become so successful with the ladies. As soon as I am in a conversation with a fine honey, I make sure to ask them if they like Pantera. I also like to take Charlie's line one step further and ask if they are a fan of the album "Butchered at Birth" by Cannibal Corpse, or if they enjoyed the last Black Dhalia Murder CD.

However, in all seriousness, it is speeches like these that really taught me how to be a better man. From one of the many touching scenes in "D3":

Estevez:
"I was like you, Charlie. When I played hockey, I was a total hot shot... tried to take control of every game. I wound up quitting. So I tried the law. Same thing. I ruled the courtroom, but inside I was a mess. Started drinking. Man, I was going down. But then this great thing happened, maybe the best thing ever: I got arrested and sentenced to community service. And there you were: Charlie and the Ducks. And as hard as I fought it, there you were. You gave me a life, Charlie, and I want to say thank you. I told Orien about all this when I talked to him about taking over. I told him that you were the heart of the team and that you would learn something from each other. I told him that you were the real Minnesota Miracle Man."
Charlie:
"You did?"
Estevez:
"So be that man, Charlie. Be that man."

And it is with that touching moment that we have come to our final lesson of part I, Lesson #5: Be that man. Be that man. Well, I am trying Estevez, I really am. I only hope I have done my part to act like the real Minnesota Miracle Man. Now let's go out there and win this one for Hans.