Nascar Drivers, Please Split Your Head Open

Ok...this is a Jerry Seinfeld "what's the deal with..." moment. I'm sorry, but I just can't help it. What's the deal with Nascar drivers doing back flips off the top of their car every time they win a damn race? Every time on I turn on Sportscenter, looking to see the highlights of a real sport, I am instead subjected to five different camera angles of some dude covered in ads for laundry detergent doing acrobatics off a stock car.

Wow, so you drove a car around in a circle without blowing a tire or slamming into a wall. Congratulations. You don't see me doing flips off my civic every time I make it home from the grocery store unscathed. You know, whoever did the back flip first must get some props. I'm sure it was really cool at first. But having every driver do the same celebration when they win might just be the lamest thing ever. Imagine for a moment if every time any player in the NFL scored a touchdown, they pulled out a cell phone. I'm pretty sure it would lose its appeal real fast. The back flip has lost its appeal. Nascar drivers, you need to stop. It is only a matter of time before one of you doesn't land your victory flip and you're brains are getting powerwashed off the pavement.

Since the average Nascar driver has about three braincells, I understand it may be difficult for you guys to come up with new celebrations. So to make things easier, I've decided to offer you a couple suggestions.

1. Start slamming whatever it is that is plastered all over your car and uniform. If you're sponsored by Jack Danials, lets see you pound that for a few minutes....then attempt the back flip. And if you're sponsored by Tide or some Anti-Freeze, even better. If your sponsor is an actual drink, like Pepsi or Mountain do or something, immidietly resort to suggestion #3.

2. Secede from the Union. This may take a little longer than doing a back flip, but I think its worth it. The fact that more people in the US watch this shit instead of the NHL makes about as much sense as Charles Barkley's last book. The "chase for the cup" or whatever its called should have its own country. I'm sure it would have a great constitution and bill of rights...or at least a lot of Busch Light.

3. Kill yourself. Your sport, and its fans, are completly worthless. Just pull out daddy's twelve gauge and swallow the barrell. I'm tired of seeing you on TV, throwing helmets at each other, bitching about how someone bumped you, or being lumped in the same category as people who play real sports. And most of all, I'm tired of watching a bunch of rednecks doing their best Kerri Strug impression everytime I turn on Sportscenter. So please stop.

To all my fans down south...Sorry. Watch hockey.