Dear Contestant on "The Biggest Loser,"

Dear Contestant on "The Biggest Loser,"

Thank you. Thank you for publicly humiliating yourself so that I have something to do for an hour on Tuesday nights. I am forever grateful to have the opportunity to watch you and your fellow heffalumps vie for the chance to be named "The Biggest Loser" by taking part in ridiculous "challenges" while managing to burst in to tears at least 10 times an episode. While it boggles my mind as to how you went from being a college wrestling champion to a 300 pound behemoth, I am glad you did so I can watch the waterworks flow as you remember the days when you could still see your penis and it only took one Grande Meal from Taco Bell to fill you up.

It is so hard to pick a favorite contestant amongst you...the police officer who is so fat he can't fit into his bullet proof vest...the doctor who is afraid he is setting a bad example for his patients by being grossly obese and unhealthy...the list goes on. That is why I chose not to address this letter to just one of you, because you all have a special place in my heart.

One of the reasons I like you so much is that you are willing to wear T-shirts that say why you want to lose wait. While simply putting "so I'm not fucking fat anymore" would have been sufficient, you went the extra mile by putting hilarious personal reasons that made me laugh until my lungs bled.

Here are a few pictures documenting this priceless and completely unnecessary addition to the show. As you can see, the slogans each say something that is meant to bring a tear to the eye, but isteand just makes me laugh even harder.

"To see my son grow up" Ahh..this guy is obviously afraid his compulsive overeating will kill him before he has the chance to see little Jimmy pop his first pimple. Heartbreaking.

"To inspire my patients" What? Your patients don't want to accept health advice from someone whose breathing can be heard from a block away?







"To find Mr. Right." Now this is the only one that didn't make me laugh. In fact, I was offended. I can't believe this hoss thinks she can't find Mr. Right just because she looks like Denver the last Dinosaur. Guys aren't just into girls for their looks honey, we mostly care about personality. Its what's on the inside that counts. Unfortunately for you, your inside is completely full of twinkies.



"To be a hot bride." Wow. I can't believe someone is even willing to marry this hideous beast. Besides, I thought Orcs and Urukai were bred from spawning pits in the heart of Mordor and not by actually getting married and having sex. Gross.




Another thing I want to thank you for, "Biggest Loser" contestant, is the fact that you are willing to participate in "challenges" and take part in "eliminations" that are designed specifically to make you look bad. I believe it was "Survivor" that starting the trend of reality stars voting each other off the show. But back then it was simple. You put your vote on a piece of paper, and the guy who leaves gets their candle snuffed out as a symbol of their departure. But on "The Biggest Loser," they use this formula but replace paper with one of those things that food comes in, and replace candle with a huge refrigerator filled with food with your name on it. Yes that's right, when a contestant gets voted off "The Biggest Loser" the light in their refrigerator goes out. Seriously, not even I could make this up.

Another thing I want to thank you for, is the binging scene in the first episode. While you knew you were about to embark on a diet and workout regime, when tempted with one last chance at junk food, you didn't hesitate for one second before gorging yourself. You conquered that buffet like you were Alexander the Great, making sure to lick the fondue so as not to miss a single precious gram of saturated fat.



While their are many degrading events you partake in that make the ones on "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" look like the Olympics, my personal favorite would be the one from episode four. You were forced to get into a bathing suit, and then jump into a pool and retrieve golden bars from the bottom. The catch? You had to get as many gold bars as added up to your weight. Get it? Its like "being worth your weight in gold." The producers on this show most certainly deserve an Emmy.

Also, I really appreciate the fact that you are willing to take your shirts off before every weigh-in as well as always making sure to wear the least amount of clothing possible. While I don't think the addition of a T-shirt would really affect your weight on the scale by that much, you won't hear of it and insist on showing on your man breasts every time. And, as an added bonus, you even bust out in killer dance moves after you hear the good news that you now weigh as much as an elephant instead of as much as a wooly mammoth. Of course, when you dance your disgusting fat skin ripples like its about to travel through time, providing me with much enjoyment.

Contestant on "The Biggest Loser," thank you for letting me share this journey of public humiliation with you. I sincerely hope you lose weight and become healthy again, as long as you promise to vomit and let the tears flow as much as possible.

Love,
Benson

P.S. Special thanks to the dude who trains the girls on the show. Your ugly tattoos, lack of maturity, and blatent homosexuality add a dimension of humor to the show that I cannot even put into words.


P.S.S. I know I said I wasn't going to play favorites, but I can't help it. Matt, you are an inspiration. It was you who wrestled in college, only to graduate and trade in your workouts for trips to the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. However, even though you used to be an athlete, your ginormous man-tits have made you feminine enough break down and cry just as much as the girls on the show. So here, in your honor, a brief photo tribute: