Remembering The Old School WWF

It was a simpler time. A time of peace and prosperity. All was right in the world. It was a time when the WWF reigned as the greatest event in sports or televison. This era of wrestling is known as the golden age, from the late-80's to the early 90's. It was a time when they didn't come out and say it was fake, and we were young enough to thing it was real. It was real enough for us to re-enact the moves we saw on TV on our siblings, risking spinal injuries and even death. Or, if we were lucky enough to own our very own "WWF Wrestling Buddy," we could try doing tombstones and leglocks on them instead.
I don't have too much to say, but after recently talking about and remembering some of the old stars of the WWF that were sweet when we were all just shorties growing up on the block, I decided to offer a look back for any of you who may have been lucky enough to experience the glory days of the WWF.
Fat Wrestlers.
These guys were huge. Fucking obese, heart-attack, high cholesteral, buffet dominating monstroseties. Not a single ounce of muscle on them. I haven't watched wresteling since 8th grade, but I'm pretty sure all wrestlers theses days are in shape. That is sad, because kids today may never experience the glory that was the fat wrestler.Here were some of the best whales ever to grace the ring. ...
Earthquake and Tugboat / Typhoon
Earthquake was a personal favorite of mine. Basically, he was a huge dude with a beard that sat on people and crushed them with his cellulite. Seriously, sitting on people was his special move. That was it. It was called "The Earthquake Squash" and is in my opinion, the best wrestling move ever created. How he mastered it I will never know.

He was later in a tag team called the Natural Disasters with another favorite of mine, Typhoon, who was first known as Tugboat. Tugboat was never quite as cool because he was fat but didn't sit on anyone, rendering him useless. That is why he became Typhoon, who ended up still being pretty worthless.
I'm sure being called names like the Natural Disasters, Earthquake, Tugboat, and Typhoon really worked well for these guys' self esteem. Considering they were superstars of the WWF, I can only imagine the debauchery that took place when these guys threw down after a show.......Piles of coke, twinkies, sloppy joes, booze, naked sluts...I can only imagine how glorious it must have been to be a Natural Disaster.

TUGBOAT!!!

Yokozuna, Bam Bam Bigalow and Vader.
These are the two other lards of wrestling worth mentioning. At the time, we were all amazed by Yokozuna becuse his whole image was that he was a real sumo wrestler. The announcers told us that that meant even though he was fat, he was actually athletic too. Althouh now I know that Sumo training consists of pounding rice and slamming Saki, at the time I had respect for it. Plus, he was one of the first of the elephent wrestlers to actually jump off the ropes and shit. Pretty amazing to watch. God Bless Yokozuna. Bam Bam Bigalow was one mean motherfucker. He had tattoos on his head for God's sake. So that was pretty much his deal, was fat and covered in tats. He later would go on the Trimspa diet, lose hundreds of pounds, become a roadie for Rancid, then go on to front Tim Armstrong and Travis Barker's band The Transplants.
One other guy I can't forget to mention is Leon White, known to the world as Vader. Years of alcohal abuse and heavy metal has ruined my memory, so all I can really remember about Vader is that he was insanely chunky and used to scream "It's Vader Time" a lot. Brutal.


Tag Teams.
These amazing combonations of wrestlers taught us the meaning of teamwork. Instead of just matching up two big stars, the Tag Teams of the Golden Age were often wrestlers that wouldn't be anything if not together.














My two favorites, along with everyone elses were The Legion of Doom and The Buswackers. The Legion of Doom wore facepaint and shoulder pads with plastic spikes. I'm not sure what made that so cool, but somehow it was. You couldn't go out trick or treating in my hood without seeing many a Legion of Doom costume. The Bushwackers were these redneck dudes who did this really stupid walk and rocked camo pants and army boots. They also always had really confused looks on their faces, and they may have been retarded. Again, at the time, and because of old we were, they seemed really cool. Tag Teams really got away with a lot of corny stuff back then, and I'm glad to have been a part of it.
Other Wrestlers
The guys who weren't hideously obese or part of a Tag Team all had awesome gimmicks, cheesy names, were really ugly, and wore speedos. I really don't have a lot to say about these guys, however these were some of the wrestlers that highlighteded my childhood. So lets take a walk down memory lane....

British Bulldog. He somehow seemed like such a hardass...although looking back those braids do make him seem like kind of a fairy.
The Model Rick Martel.Such a ladies man, and of course, hated with a passion by me and everyone I knew. He was always talking about getting it on with chicks, which at the time we all thought was complete gross. I'd be willing to be this guys got more baby-mama-drama than all of the G-Unit. His bastard children must be spread out all over the country, and are probably in college by now, costing him a fortune.

The Narcissist Lex Lugor. The biggest punk ass ever...and I still to this day don't know what "Narcissist" means.

Jake the Snake Roberts and The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. Two of the best wrestling names ever, and my two favorite action figures as well. I remember one of the most dramatic moments of my life was when Jake's snake came out from under the ring and bit someone. Then they banned the snake, effectively ending poor Jake's career. I think. My memory is a little fuzzy on that one.


















Ravishing Rick Rude. Even then I knew he was a Tom Sellick wannabe. Now on the other hand, Sgt. Slaughter and Hacksaw Jim Duggan were the shit. Hacksaw hit people with 2 x 4's, which was insane because I thought it as real. Sgt. Slaughter was also a GI Joe, making him twice as cool.
Ahmed Johnson and Papa Shango were also great wrestlers. Ahmed Johnson was the first Black Inercontinental Champion, making him like the Jackie Robinson of the WWF. Looking back, the WWF was a pretty racist Orginization. Poor Papa Shanago, who played a stereotypican African Voodoo Witchdoctor, and later played the Godfather, where he acted like a pimp and did a special move called "The Ho Train." Ahmend Johnson never gave in to the WWF's stereotyping and dominated on his name and talent alone.


You didn't think I'd forget about Ultimate Warrior or the great Bret Hart did you?
These were two of the most popular wrestlers ever. I'm not sure what I can say about these guys. They were the cream of the crop. Bret Hart used to have some crazy leg lock that my brother would always try to do on me. It had some sweet name but I can't remember it. Plus, it wasn't just him, there was a bunch of Harts who together made up the Hart Foundation. Ultimate Warrior did tons of roids, and many rumors are out there about to what happen to him. I think his heart exploded from being on the juice, which is what happened to another great from the time, Mr. Perfect.




Not only were the wrestlers cool back then, but their managers were cool as well. They were old men who always yelled from the side of the stage and helped their wrestlers cheat. They always got theri asses knocked out too. Two of the best managers of all time had to be Paul Bearer and Mr. Fuji. Mad props to these two for being able to have a huge career in wrestling without having any athletic ability whatsoever.


Also, we must not forget the guys who used to enter the ring against these big named stars dressed only in orange speedos. They went by avergage names and just entered the ring, took an ass whooping, and were never heard from again. It was like they just got pulled out of the audience and their whole purpose was just so the WWF superstars could show off their moves and look cool while publicly humiliating these poor dudes.Those guys were awesome. I wonder how much they got paid.

So thats it...I could probably think of more, but I'll leave that to you...if you remember any badass wrestlers or their kickass moves or are feeling nostalgic about the era of WWF that we lucky enough to have grown with..holler below.