Hustle & Blow: A Review

"Hustle & Flow."

We have all been hearing about this movie for weeks now, as it has more press behind it than a Paris Hilton sex tape. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with movie's premise, here it is: A pimp with a bad southern accent and an even worse hair cut teams with the fat kid from "Hang Time," a white trash hooker, and The New Guy to try to make it big in the rap game. It also has Ludacris in it, fresh off of his Oscar caliber performance in "2 Fast 2 Furious." Sounds like it has all the makings of a comedy masterpiece. I mean how could the best parts of "Road Trip" and "Me, Myself, and Irene" combine for anything less that pure comedy gold?

I'll tell you how. "Hustle & Flow" is not a comedy. That's right, someone actually thought these actors and this premise put together would make for a heart-wrenching drama. Now, much like my earlier review of "The Pacifier" I haven't actually seen this movie. But, being that I have immaculate taste in cinema I am qualified to pass judgment. However, due to the fact I haven't seen it, certain scenes in the movie I discuss may not actually exist.

Remember this show? It was on right after "City Guys"...

As the film opens, we learn that the pimp game is not easy for our main character, D-Jay. Even though this guy earns his living by getting chicks addicted to smack, and then making them rent out their vaginas in order to get their next fix, we are supposed to feel sorry for him. He really doesn't want to be a pimp, he wants to be a rap star. Enter Ludacris, who stretches his acting muscles and plays a rapper. Ludacris offers some advice, then rolls out and continues to pimp all over the world.

Next, while looking for inspiration, D-Jay takes a break from helping impressionable young girls contract gonorrhea, and hits the basketball court. Once there, he meets the fat kid from "Hang Time" who is now in his mid-thirties and is still holding on to his hoop dreams. D-Jay breaks it to him that he was just the comic relief on the show, and was never actually any good at basketball. He then asks him if his music producing skills are as good as his buffet-crashing skills. Fat kid then quits basketball to become D-Jay's producer.

Pimp, New Guy, and Hang Time, in a heated argument over whether or not the track is "hot"

However, at this point in the film, there is a critical problem. There are no white people, except for the hookers. Now, while having this movie's trailer playing on MTV 24 hours a day seems to guarantee the white suburban tween audience, actually having a white person in the movie always helps. Enter The New Guy. He is tired of being picked on all the time, and transfers to a new school under the guidance of Undercover Brother in an attempt to finally be cool and lay waste to some hot broads. He hangs out with D-Jay and the brother from "Hang Time" throughout the rest of the movie, but doesn't have a purpose except to fill the theater seats with some pale-face crackers. You may recognize him from "Road Trip" or the entire movie trailer he has devoted to him where he just stands on a street corner talking about Al Green. Wow, skinny white dude talking about music he knows nothing about..that's really gonna sell the movie.

The New Guy, reaching for his career...

This is a horrible movie and I do not condone seeing it. You are better off taking a shit and wiping your ass with a ten dollar bill then wasting your money on it. Though it has all the elements of a comedy classic, it instead tries to be the "Mr. Holland's Opus" meets "Beaches" of pimping/rapping. It is a disaster, all those involved in financing and making this movie should never work again, and seriously consider suicide.

On a side not this movie was produced byJohn Singleton, who once directed such classics as "Boyz in the Hood." He has apparently eaten a bad batch of mushrooms and gone off the deep end. Between this, "2 Fast 2 Furious," and the upcoming Mark Wahlberg and Andre 3000 team-up debacle, Mr. Singleton's career is offically over.