Mall Punk Makeover Exploits Tragedy

"Look at me, my hair isn't spiked up! Please take me seriously! Also, some girl's ear drums just exploded after hearing me attempt to hit a high note. I better wait here and make sure she's ok."



Simple Plan. Good Charlotte. When one thinks of these bands, one thinks of malls, ugly tattoos, unnecessary eyebrow rings, screaming 13 year old girls, and annoying songs and videos all over the radio and MTV. Talent doesn't come to mind. And tragic car crashes and tsunami's most definitely don't come to mind. The only tragedy that comes to mind is that these bands ever made it out of their local Hot Topic long enough to record an album.

But now these bands don't seem to be able to get by on their "look at me I'm a guy and I wear eye make up aren't I rebellious" good looks and their "I'm angry and I hate my parents they don't understand me (even though I'm 27 years old)" attitudes. Their fans have moved on to eighth grade and forgotten all about them. Their records aren't selling. For some odd reason, these days the public isn't interested in watching grown men act like high school freshmen. And no, slaying high school aged popstars doesn't make you one again (skinny Good Charlotte twin, this means you) or give you credibility. And no, sharing a box of twinkies with the fat bass player of Madball doesn't give you credibility either (chunky Good Charlotte twin, I'm looking at you here).

But now, on to the point. Now that these bands are on the way out and the poster space on the teeny boppers wall is being taken up by the Backstreet Boys once again, they have resorted to desperate measures in attempts to gain back fans and earn some cred. Simple Plan and Good Charlotte it seems have decided the best way to sell albums these days is to make music videos exploiting tragedies. This way they can show us how serious and grown up they are even though they spent the last 3 years trying to show us how young and goofy and "punk" they were. But no more crazy outfits and funny lyrics for these guys. In the new Good Charlotte video the singer is sporting a white suit, and Mr. Simple plan sports a nice adult leather coat. Whoa.

The actual videos are mind blowingly bad and exploitive. I came to this conclusion after seeing these music videos after I returned from a late night of work. The Good Charlotte video is the band simply playing in an empty theater with a screen behind them (Hmm...Guess the label doesn't have quite the budget set aside for them anymore). On this screen footage of the war in Iraq, poverty, and the aftermath of the tsunami disaster is playing. Did anyone bother asking the starving Thai orphan girl if she would like the footage showing her crying in pain used in an attempt to sell some more of Mr. Hillary Duff's records? Did anyone ask the marine if he wanted to his heroic acts shown along side mall punk rejects "rocking out?"I thought not. This video doesn't pay tribute to the people it shows, it exploits them. Sorry, but skinny twin, fat twin (or as I call him, Hoya's buffet-wrecking partner), goth guitar player, and faceless bassplayer and drummer need to be spend an afternoon with the firing squad for appearing in this video. Using footage of one of the worse disasters in recent history to try and help your bands image is sickening and wrong on every level.

On to the Simple Plan video for "Untitled (How could this happen to me?)." Or as I call it, how could you find a way to title an untitled song? What the fuck? Isn't the point of being untitled not having a goddamn title? But my problem is with the video not retarded title ... err.. the untitle of it. Some dude gets drunk and kills a girl in a tragic car wreck then the families all get thrown against the wall. I can see how that could be taken seriously or be considered "deep and meaningful." But then throw in the hot topic posterboy singing in the rain and its turned into a video about him. What is so hard about not appearing in your own music video? Tool did it and sold a shitload more CD's than Simple Plan or Good Charlotte ever will.

Like Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, who have been nothing but pop punk, decided to come out with some cheesy ballad with some serious video in an attempt to keep their fans. Sorry - those fan's balls have now dropped, their boobs have developed, and their braces have finally been taken off. They don't want to hear 25 year old dudes sing "I'm just a kid" anymore.

To the marketing genius who thought "hey, let's mix mall punk and tragic death! That'll sell records!" and the bands who went along with it and said "Anything to keep me famous for another 3 months...Anything" a big fuck you is in order. Tragedy is something that can be inspiration for good songs and videos, but there is a fine line between trying to send a message or address a serious issue and exploiting that issue. These bands have crossed that line.

While it is comforting to know that atrocious mall punk is on the way out, that doesn't make videos like these ok. Why can't these people just let their "careers" die? Who do they think they are, U2 or the Eagles? Even that donut-devouring, milkshake guzzling fatass guitar player from Good Charlotte must realize he isn't exactly Keith Richards. Mall punk bands, take your money and your seventeen year old girlfriends, and retire. Its over. There is no 20th anniversary farewell tour, no greatest hits record, no lasting legacy in your future. Just accept it. There is no need to bring tsunami victims into the equation.

If you have feelings on this issue, hate mall punk, know of any other videos, or like to listen to Blood Has Been Shed records, please comment below.