Currently Shredding...

For once, I am not using this blog to post my complaints and grievances with horrible movies and assembly line manufactured pop-stars. Instead, I am taking this space to praise some of the tunes I have been rocking to as of late. For the seven readers I have, enjoy and feel free to disagree. But first why don't you stop playing that hot new Gwen Stefani track long enough to discover some music that really is bananas.

First up: 3 Inches of Blood. The best band to come out of Canada since Nickleback. Oh wait, Nickleback is the worst band on the face of the planet. I can't believe their singer still manages to make records even after taking 50 lashes from Mel Gibson in The Passion. Their music should be used only in situations involving torture and/or Christ-lashing. I hate them so much that - Sorry. Got carried away there for a minute. This section isn't about Nickleback, it is about 3 Inches of Blood.

I first got wind of these masters of metal when I downloaded their cut "Destroy the Orcs." This song is basically like a musical wet-dream. Of course, I am partial due to my overwhelming love of orcs, goblins, urukai, and any other creature existing only in Lord of the Rings books, Magic cards, or Dennis Quaid movies (I am talking about Dragonheart here people, not Undercover Blues). This song makes me feel like I am a great elven warrior, battling evil dark forces, rather than a skinny Jew with too much free time on his hands. The band features two vocalists, whose high pitched screams pierce the heavens and rival that of metal gods (or at least metal-spike and leather pants gods) like Rob Halford and Bruce Dickenson. The whole album is a non-stop metal shredfest, and is not for the weak. Other favorite songs of mine on their debut album Advance and Vanquish include "Premonition of Pain," "Deadly Sinners,"and "Swordmaster." If you ever played the classic board game "Hero Quest" as a child, you will appreciate this CD. If you grew up on "Mall Madness" feel free to skip purchasing this album and spend the money some of those new "Island of Fire" burgers at sonic. Then throw them up.

Next up: Mastodon. Their newest album, leviathan, is a concept album about the story of Moby Dick. Their video for "Blood and Thunder" features a bunch of clowns moshing, singing, and beating each other up in bathrooms. I'm assuming after reading these two sentences, you have already quit reading and ran your ass to the record store. If not, here's another reason to buy leviathan. Some of the best written, most unique sounding metal riffs and songs in recent memory. The vocalist sounds like he is about to cough up a lung with each note he sings, and it sounds brilliant. Check this one out ASAP. The perfect CD to harpoon a whale to. Or, if you do not having access to the open seas, the perfect CD to harpoon a fat chick(or, after hearing this album, what I now refer to as "Megalodons" and "Seabeasts") too. But first make sure you scream out "I am Ahab!"

Lastly, I have to recommend every CD ever put out by NYC's finest band, Life of Agony. Now I was turned on to this band while I was still in high school by my elder brother, Dave "I can't sell back my old MC Hammer and Mariah Carey CDs...I need them for the collection!" Benson. Too bad at the time I was your classic angry angst-ridden-for-no-reason teen who preferred the smooth sounds of nu-metal and rap-metal. I'm talking Factory 81, Primer 55 type shit here folks. Not an easy hole to climb out of. But, 5 years later I have emerged from my self induced LOA-exile. Better late than ever. Their riffs and music is as heavy as any ever put to tape, and Keith Caputo's voice is one that can truly not be duplicated. Do not miss out on this band as I have done for most of my life. They recently reunited and on tour, look for their new record, Broken Valley, dropping this spring.

So that's a brief look at some of the great bands out there today. Check them out. I apologize for my lack of anger and humor in this rant, I will try to make up for it next time. On a side note, XXX2 went down harder than a hooker on Charlie Sheen this weekend - Just like I predicted on this very blog.


Until next time, "Kill the orcs, slay the orcs, destroy the orcs!"