XXX: State of the Samuel L. Jackson

Year after year, movie goers are bombarded with the classic unnecessary sequel. Studio execs think that as long as a movie makes money, a movie with the same title plus the number two after it, followed by a colon and a really stupid tagline will make money as well. So, instead of getting interesting new flicks in the theater we instead get stuck with the likes of Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Barbershop 2: Back in Business, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, House Party 2: The Pajama Jam (a personal favorite), and now, XXX 2: State of the Union. These movies are all guaranteed disasters, and even take away from any redeeming qualities the first movies might have had. (The rare exception being The Substitute 2: Schools Out, in which Treat Williams took over the role of the substitute and dominated it…and continued to dominate it in The Substitute 3: Winner Takes All and The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option.)

Getting back to XXX 2… the troubling thing is that it actually stars two of the most talented actors working today, starring opposite two of the worst “actors” ever. It amazes me that a talented guy like Willem Dafoe, the guy who starred in Platoon would choose to add this to his list of credits. But then again, he was in Speed 2: Cruise Control so maybe he likes to make bad sequels every 8 years or something.

But Samuel L. Jackson? We are talking about a legend…the man who got eaten by a shark in Deep Blue Sea, eaten by a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, and has taught more onscreen kids from the hood valuable life lessons than anyone else - see: 187, Coach Carter, Fresh, Juice, and Die Hard with a Vengeance (where he also takes a nasty bullet to the grundle). On top of all that, he is a goddamn Jedi, kicking whiteboy ass across the entire galaxy with a purple lightsaber. That’s right, a purple lightsaber. It doesn’t get more gangster than that.

He has also delivered some of the most quotable lines in cinematic history, such as when he talked about “a royal with cheese” in Pulp Fiction, broke down on the witness stand in A Time to Kill (“Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in Hell!”) broke down on the witness stand again in Rules of Engagement (“Yes they had weapons!”) and my personal favorite, when he broke down in the open window of a skyscraper in The Negotiator (“You want my blood?! Take my blood!”). He can even deliver the goods in animated form as witnessed in The Incredibles (“Where is my super suit?!”). I could go on with this forever...the point is plain and simple: Sam Jackson is THE MAN. He has never taken a bad role in his life. Except maybe the first XXX, but I let that one slide - brother has got to earn some cheddar every now and then. Even when his role consists of talking for one minute and then getting capped (Goodfellas, True Romance), he always steals the show.

Now for some unexplainable reason he is in XXX 2. The first one starred Vin Diesel, who backed out so he could make other quality films (see my review of The Pacifier). The producers were stuck in a tough spot. They had to find another actor who only has the ability to make one facial expression. Enter Ice Cube. Who better to save the White House than the guy who sang “Fuck the Police” right? Then I guess they needed to pimp Cube’s XXXmobile so they hired X to the Z himself, Xzibit. Another problem with this film is that it contains one of the biggest plot holes in history. If Sam Jackson is in the movie, why do they need Ice Cube to save the world? Couldn’t the biggest badass in film history do an adequate job without the help of Doughboy? I mean, if you’ve see The Great White Hype you know brothers got a killer right hook.

I can picture what it was like on set. Dafoe and Jackson chilling in a trailer, smoking fine cigars, discussing the fine art of acting, getting into character, and reminiscing about all of the acclaimed films they have be a part of. Cube and X chilling in separate trailer, drinking some Hennessy, watching Are We There Yet? and trying to get high off the lifetime supply of free Right Guard Power Strip deodorant X must’ve gotten for starring in those God-awful commercials.

In order for a movie to work, there needs to be chemistry between the actors. I can’t imagine a finely tuned acting machine like Mr. Jackson working well with Xzibit, who’s only acting experience is trying to act like he hasn’t been hitting the chronic after he gets pulled over. Cube has the acting range of a grapefruit. He plays a thug with a monotone and a frown in all of his movies. Neither of these men deserves to be on the same planet as Samuel L - let alone in the same movie as him.

So how do we prevent Samuel “The Man” Jackson from partaking in debacles such as XXX 2? The answer is simple. First, a law needs to be made banning sequels to any movie Vin Diesel has ever been a part of. This would have prevented such winners as 2 Fast 2 Furious, Chronicles of Riddick, and XXX 2. Another law needs to be made that XXX cant be in the title to a movie if it’s not a porno. This should help prevent Sam from accepting a role in the upcoming XXX 3: Lloyd Banks Saves New Hampshire, and instead going back to kickass movies where he helps inner city youths and breaks down on witness stands.