Everyone knows but that January is the time when studios dump their worst movies into theaters. In retaliation, many people ignore new releases and use the month to compile "Best of Lists," catch up films getting Oscar buzz, cash those year-end bonus checks, and maybe shave or leave the basement. But not me.
January is my favorite movie month of the year. Keep in mind, I don't plan on shaving, leaving the basement (other than those 8 hours a day I need to spend in a cubicle), or actually seeing any movies. January isn't my favorite movie month because of the movies; it's my favorite movie month because of the movie commercials.
Usually, I hate being interrupted from watching Jimmy Woods talk creepily about sex with his teenage daughter on Shark so I can see a commercial telling me that Mel Gibson's Apocalypto is "Spellbinding" (what the fuck does that word even mean?! And why is allowed to be used outside of a Harry Potter movie?) or one saying Leo "gives a once-in-a-lifetime" performance in Blood Diamond (with dialogue like "in your country it is bling-bling, in my country it is bling-bang," let's hope so).
Usually, I hate having my emotional involvement in Jen from The Real World's confessions about how she "doesn't normally get drunk and have sex with people and not remember it" ruined by any commercial for "the most romantic movie of the holiday season."
Anyway, throughout the month of January, often times the movie commercials are even better than quality TV programs I regularly watch. So far this one month only, I gladly welcome commercial breaks to see an ad for one of the following movies.
Freedom Writers
Hilary Swank was looking for the best way to rebound from her divorce from the guy who played the lead in the made-for-TV classic "The John Denver Story." I'd have to say she's found it. Seriously, how come no one has ever thought of this concept before? White school teacher goes into a high school filled with minorities who don't pay attention and teaches them the meaning of life? And don't forget two-thirds of the way through the movie when the gang-banger who changes his ways gets shot anyway for dramatic ( i.e. hilarious) effect.
Line they are banking on to sell the movie: "You think your life would be so much better without the blacks, or the whites, or the Mexicans, or the Cambodians?" (Cambodians? Seriously? I didn't realize L.A. schools were filled with Cambodians.)
Line they SHOULD use to sell the movie: "Been spending most our lives, living in a gangsta's paradise."
Target audience: Cambodians?
Stomp The Yard
First we got Drumline, then You Got Served, then ATL, and now Stomp the Yard...but the big drawback to this is it doesn't star a rapper. What the hell were these producers thinking? This could have been the perfect role for Lil' Wayne.
Line they are banking on to sell the movie:"They've been national step chapmpions for seven years!"
Line they SHOULD use to sell the movie: "Nick Cannon is in this movie, we swear"
Target audience: Let's just say if your name is Mark, Donald, or Vern you are not the target audience. If your name is JeMarcus, Donnell, LaVernious, you are the target audience.
Alpha Dog
The casting director for this movie is a genius. Seriosuly, when trying to cast a thug, how could he not think of a former mousekateer and boy-band alumnus? Especially one whose last movie credit was in a straight to DVD flick called "Edison Force" with LL Cool J.
Line they are banking on to sell the movie: "Life?!"
Line they SHOULD use to sell the movie: "Hey Bruce Willis is in it!"
Target Audience: White boys who refer to each other as "dogs"
Codename: The Cleaner
You got to respect Cedric The Entertainer, or as I call him C to the E. Usually, comedic actors have a string of huge successes before they resort to no-budget, low-brow comedies that don't get screened for critics. But not CTE. He went straight to bottom. It even has a one-time "hot" actress desperate to be in a movie again: in this case, Lucy "Ecks vs. Sever" Liu and a recycled cliché plot: in this case the bumbling idiot spy amnesia thing.
Line they are banking on to sell the movie: "Wait a second, I'm married to a white woman!"
Line they SHOULD use to sell the movie: "It's better than Johnson Family Vacation..."
Target audience: People who saw "Black Kngiht," or are familiar with the work of Steve Harvey.
The Hitcher
Boromir stalks some really hot chick and her boyfriend with a bad emo haircut...actually this movie sounds pretty good.
Line they are banking on to sell the movie: "Rated R for strong violence, horror, and terror"
Line they SHOULD use to sell the movie: "This movie stars Boromir, brother of Faramir, heir to the throne of Gondor."
Target audience: 8th graders.